Every now and then in my life, I've noticed my spirit self seeping through into the mundane, every day existence. When this happens I think, this is the real me; the girl singing at the top of her lungs with the windows down, dancing and crying in the shower, feeling such immense gratitude for living. Oddly enough, when this happens, when "the real me" pokes her little head out of my dark world, she is exactly who I was as a kid.
The little girl with messy hair and bare feet, blackened with earth. The little girl who sat atop the highest tree she could find, and perch there like a bird, watching the land around her. The girl who followed the wind, wherever it took her. The girl who cried when she saw the decapitated animals hanging on the wall of a restaurant, and refused to eat. The girl who was incredibly sensitive, yet incredibly bave. She never surrendered.
Until she got older, and she was broken down, little by little.
Over the years I became a shell of my former self, I lost that little girl completely.
After deep soul searching, I am finally catching a glimpse of her, here and there. It's like a game of hide and seek, but I am always the seeker. Or maybe I just think I am, maybe she is seeking me and I'm just lost.
They say that it's the inner child that needs healing, but I don't think thats exactly true, in my case anyway. She was the brave one, the one who stood up for her self and her loved ones without fear, the one who absolutely didn't give a shit what other people thought of her, the one who loved immensely, and glady gave you her still beating heart.
She came back to save me, she is holding my hand. I didn't need to save her. She sees how I hurt, how my entire world is grey, how I barely function, how I no longer have the ability to feel anything.
She looks up at me with those big, green, innocent eyes; eyes full of life and excitement. She takes my hand, and smiles, the same way the ancient ones smile, that all knowing and ever loving smile.
She is alive within me, and she is waiting for me to dig though the shattered remains of my life. Everything that I have come to know and love, through my journey of endless searching, just keeps bringing me back to her. She has been here all along, just buried. Maybe I buried her to keep her safe, to keep her away from the monsters in my life. Now that I have healed enough, I am getting to see more and more of her.
Oh the fun we have! I am looking forward to this new journey together, walking gently, hand in and, as our new story unfolds.
Forever and Always,
Sean Kathleen