Speak up

I post a lot about trauma, and I am very transparent about my life and my past experiences.

I do this solely because it is my ultimate duty. To reach into the darkness and shines a light for those who were never able to process their trauma, let alone give it a voice, validation and compassion.

I have gotten a few comments over the years, somewhere along the lines of “get over it! stop living in the past!” And “you’re attention seeking, stop the pity party”

It never ceases to amaze me how people can have such incredibly different perceptions on a subject.

Let me start by saying that trauma does not necessarily have to consist of some catastrophic event.

Trauma is simply ones response to a deeply distressing or disturbing event that overwhelms their own ability to cope, and this can look different for everyone. Everyone has some sort of trauma.

So, when I briefly touch on the subject of my trauma, I am doing so, with one motive in mind, and that is to shine a light into the lives of those who have suffered.

Growing up I felt a lot of shame because I had no one to talk to about my experiences, I had no one to relate to, and therefore I never had the chance to develop, or even learn healthy coping skills.

So much of my life would have been vastly different if I would have learned how to process those emotions properly.

Instead I, like many many others, found myself in a downward spiral.  I had a deep hatred for myself, because I couldn’t figure out what was so wrong with me, that everyone treated me the way they did.

I had extremely low self-esteem which lead me into toxic and abusive relationships, which ultimately only worsened my mental state.

I have immersed myself in my healing for the better part of seven years, and I have learned that I pretty much needed to completely rebuild my life from the ground up, and forget everything I was ever made to believe about myself. It is a complete dismantling of everything you know.

And honestly, I am so deeply grateful that I  ended up in such a dark place, because that was the very place where I found within myself.. a beautiful child, fighting to get herself back from the darkness that had enveloped her.

So many people drift through the mundane, monotonous events of their daily lives, never questioning why they do what they do or why they think the way they think, or feel the way they feel. My pain caused me to dig deeper and search within the hollow places of my soul, to find the tiny seed hidden amidst the ruins of my fractured existence.

I speak now about trauma, because no one should ever have to feel like they are alone in this process, no one should ever have to feel shame or self hatred. No one’s self-worth should be so low that they are willing to do anything just to win someone’s affection.

And lastly, it is imperative that we talk about emotional,  psychological, physical, mental, and spiritual abuse that is capturing young children during the most important years of their development.

The many forms of abuse that come from parents or caregivers, kids at school, teachers, religious institutions, or any number of people, are creating a world where our children will never be able to fully rise into their authentic and divine innermost self.

The abuse will shape them for the rest of their lives, altering every choice they make, every thought they have, every thing they desire. They will have low self worth and poor boundaries, they will ache for love, validation and comfort and ultimately resort to their lowest, most degrading form of themselves to find it.

This is why I speak out. I do not regret my past, nor do I hold any resentments or grudges toward anyone in my life.  We are all imperfect, and we are all learning, and we are all doing our best. 

But I wasted many years of my life, living with no knowledge of the possibility that life could be so much more than I could ever comprehend, until I found a wonderful therapist who showed me that I wasn’t all those horrible things that I thought I was, and that I was, in fact, worthy of love, tolerance and respect.

Because of that single realization, I was able to begin the magnificent journey of healing. Before me lies infinite possibility, nourishment, and profound joy.

If only child-me could have seen the future… 😌❤️