Looking back at the contents of my life, particularly the last five years, I am overcome with such deep sorrow and such immense gratitude, I cannot help but cry.
It has always seemed as though my life has been a series of traumatic events, with wonderful moments sprinkled in at random. I've learned resilience, and I've learned optimism, for they were the only tools that could possibly carry me forward.
These experiences made me very strong, but nothing could have prepared me for the last five years. I was completely broken.
Over the past few months I have come to find, that all of the deep soul searching, the excavation, the regeneration, all the work I have done, the mending of my brokenness, is finally starting to flourish in my life.
This past weekend, I was able to run and climb with my son, watch the sunset over the pale blue water, I pressed my hand upon the belly Mother Earth, tears rolling down my reddened cheeks. I collected mushrooms in the forest, with the wicker basket my aunt Kathy gave me before she left this world , I tended lovingly to our chickens and ducks, and chuckled as they joyfully ran to greet me each morning.
I found myself dancing in the kitchen, singing at the top of my lungs, pure childlike joy emanating from within while I kneaded dough and chopped potatoes, the earthy smell of beats roasting in the oven. With nothing but the desire to nourish my loved ones with lovingly prepared, wholesome food.
Soup and fresh bread with my family, and stone/mud soup with my boy. Watching his little hands work mindfully on their creation, muddy feet and messy hair, the way a child is meant to be, just soaking it all in. Everything I see is as if I am seeing it for the first time, emerging slowly from deep, deep slumber. Finding my way back to the light, through the twisting and winding caverns that have long contained me.
The soft moss that blankets the earth, my feet crunching upon the vibrant leaves of autumn, my fingers tracing the bumpy tree bark, inhaling it's sacred scent. This loving energy dances around me, enveloping me in a warm, comforting embrace. The Great Spirit calling to that which lies deep within me, to rise.
I have learned so much, worked so hard, and experienced amazing things that I never dreamed were possible for me. I have found myself, I have reconnected to my center and to the divine, I am finally in alignment. I have accomplished everything I've set out to do, I have listened to my souls deep yearning, and I have answered her.
I never thought I'd make it here. There was so much deep and VERY painful work to do, but I kept pushing forward. I kept moving because I had no other choice, and for that I am grateful for those things that broke me.
If my life had stayed in that liminal space of mediocrity, where things were pretty bad but not terrible, I never would have gotten out. I had to lose my soul. I had to die a shamans death.
Like Voldemort in Harry Potter, my soul had split into many shards, I was a shell that vaguely resembled the vibrant woman I once was. I had to go in search of my soul pieces, and somehow reintegrate them into my being.
So I worked. I wandered the endless desert, I searched for and found my remains, I dug out my bones, collected each one. I reassembled them, I sang my mourning song into them, then my soul song, I breathed my last breath desperately into them. Then I watched them as they rose from the ground.
It's painful to look back, at the years I was sick, before I was totally broken. A bittersweet reminder to never, ever go back.
I know there will be good days and bad days ahead, and I will probably lose myself again. I will probably wander off somewhere, and forget who I am, forget where I've been. Hopefully I won't get lost for long, for this time I will have a map, I will have wisdom and discernment. I will have self love, I will have love for our creator, for life, for freedom.
Whatever happens, I am going to enjoy this space, this experience, where I am, where my feet are... and cherish each moment, in all of its magnificence. 🙏